Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist

I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.

I just have a thing for really bad cookies.

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there

She said “stay up, imma call you”.

i’ve been awake for 4 days

willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared

Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.

How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?

There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.

My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.

Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again

-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..

I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read

In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die

anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary

If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.

The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing

Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids

[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”

Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?

Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.

Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.

My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more

on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao

At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future