[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
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I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence