@stephenjmolloy

[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.

@ClichedOut

*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? ? Y ? N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? ? Y ? N

@causticbob

I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.

@blakeshelton

I’m so drunk right now I just walked into Canadian customs and shouted “Why y’all checkin’ me?! Ur the ones with a pot leaf on your flag!!”

@JJSummertime

Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!

@transaParent

I just taped the TV remote to my dogs back so I’ll never lose it again.

Your move Apple.