[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
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The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from