I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
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Forever 21… pounds overweight
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? ? Y ? N
CR: Are u a selfish prick? ? Y ? N
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
I’m so drunk right now I just walked into Canadian customs and shouted “Why y’all checkin’ me?! Ur the ones with a pot leaf on your flag!!”
I’m surprised my son doesn’t think his name is ‘stopit’
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Mad Max: Flurry Road
I just taped the TV remote to my dogs back so I’ll never lose it again.
Your move Apple.