Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
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I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”
Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven