Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
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The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
where the womens at?
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.