Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet
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New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
me hitting on a model
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.