Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”

Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences

*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*

5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!

me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket

Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.

In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.

Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.

[First day as a fighter pilot]

*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*

My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.

Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.

Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?

me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.

[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.

i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system

*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it

me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going

Me, after a minor inconvenience:

Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen

I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”

I’ve had relationships like this

one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along

Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

[during sex]

her: call me names

me: george

WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.

[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities

Woke up against my better judgment again