Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

What makes us human?

Selecting all images with traffic lights

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

I like my women like I like my bugs…

In my bed 😬

I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.

when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold

I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.

I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

[Frat party]

Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-

CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.

I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”

Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?

Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though

Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?

Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?

This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.

mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!

Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.

It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.

[bursts into garage]

“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”

i’m trying to kill myself

“but you drive an electric car”

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.

The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time

1.

Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.

Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.

If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody

“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.

Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…

Me: No

Wife: Can you turn on the oven?

Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]

Wife: why for everything