Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED

pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet

guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’

I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50

I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend

Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot

If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers

Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.

I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.

I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me

[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.

How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.

me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: I know what they’re for

MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.

pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.

My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.

COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang

Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.

Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.

One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.

The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip

I’m calling the cops.

I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues