Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?

I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.

Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?

If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking

I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life

He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.

– E.T. (1982) PG

Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.

My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.

If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?

I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.

Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public

Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.

6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.

Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.

Stork: I have a baby.

Pigeon: I have the mail.

Canary: I have bad news.

“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls

THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS

me: there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.

Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.

*knocks on bathroom stall wall*

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

“Huh? What?”

It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]

“Help yourself!”

– people who don’t want to help you

Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐

And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣