Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
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What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Unexpected Judgment
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship