Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
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All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Before & after 😅
Happy Halloween 🎃
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.