Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
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Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
