Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
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the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.