me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
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I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Jim Carrey: all righty then
When I die, I’m not donating my body to science, but I might donate it to the English department and freak the shit out of some people.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
“God’s last name is not Dammit.” Unknown