DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
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They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
How I like cutting carbs
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Europe. Made in Germany.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.