@KKBowls

Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess

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@fro_vo

me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening

@duchesskk

I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops

@fro_vo

Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed

Audience:

Jim Carrey: all righty then

@juliussharpe

When I die, I’m not donating my body to science, but I might donate it to the English department and freak the shit out of some people.

@sarcasticmommy4

My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!

He’s nowhere to be found.

@ThePawfessor

eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.

@Browtweaten

*God invents corgis*

God: what ingredients do we have left

Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet

God: lol check this out