Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.

My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.

If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”

VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!

karate teacher: shatter that board

me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched

teacher: not like that

board: *crying* yeah not like that

Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.

Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.

DD: U sure?

Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.

Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.

Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’

I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.

I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.

When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.

When humans do it, they lose a finger.

Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are

I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home

I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.

My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo

Tower: Where are you, pilot?

Pilot: I’m over Cologne.

Tower: Your pungent odour has not gone unnoticed, but where are you?

What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb

Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.

Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?

My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.

I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill

I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.

“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”

That sucks. What’s he like?

“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”

But what’s his personality-

“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”

How’s his personali-

“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”

God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens