Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.

Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.

My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it

Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda

Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.

Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.

It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020

When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.

JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004

Me to my kids: don’t ever lie

Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken

*Walks in late to dinner*

I see fed people.

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”

Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.

Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO

Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost

all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real

I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.

As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.

My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.

If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.

ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.

Bootstraps

me: no shoes in the house

murderer: sorry

Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.

I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.

2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.

Help

Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago