Every single bad day happened because I woke up
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Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”