Every single bad day happened because I woke up
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I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
