Every single bad day happened because I woke up
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when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
#JohnTravolta
wut hotdog?
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
you have three unread messages
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go