Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
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I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.