Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
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Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Warm pools make me nervous.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
worst…sale…ever
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]