Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.

To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:

Don’t
Be
On
Fire

[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”

Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.

If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”

Big day for borderline gambling addicts and Frito-Lay

The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.

Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop

Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.

Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.

[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?

The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.

If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.

Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.

I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.

A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.

*first date*

Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!

I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.

[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope

When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly

boss: you’re fired

me: [pausing tiktok] why

I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.

I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.

Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm

Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.

I tried screaming into the void today, but the line was too long.