Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
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Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.
10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will