Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
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People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
All excellent questions
(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Day 2 of my diet
