Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

Humans were not meant to have this many passwords

I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂

[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”

I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms

[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]

*makes a girl laugh*

me: can you do my taxes

My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look

Friend: Are you free this weekend?

Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse

at ease…shoulder.

Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.

Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd

Potato Head: I want to look good on my date

Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?

Me: I’m…

Wife: … no

Me: a…

Wife: … don’t

Me: *stares at wife* master baster!

[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]

HER: This is nice.

ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.

Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.

I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.

You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.

I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit

Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*

Boss: WTH?!

Me: It’s Natl Bully Month

Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!

Me: well this is awkward

You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.

Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain

During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.

A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.

oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow

A dog opens the front door.

Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.

“Hey, buddy. How was work?”

And the dog goes “RUFF.”

Her: What’s your fantasy?

Me: Sexy nurse!

H: Meet me in the bedroom.

[10 minutes later]

*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*

M: Uh.

“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”