every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
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Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted
Basketball
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good