Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.

I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.

him: hi, I’m Tom

me: nice to meet you uhh…

my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago

me: m…mom

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat

Milk Cube

ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.

robber: be cool this is a robbery

me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]

HER: my water broke

ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues

I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof

im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear

My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.

God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?

Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.

God: *Starts giggling*

Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?

God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*

Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..

God: And you cant speak.

[Incoherent bird noise]

I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.

If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die

Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.

No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.

I feel a bit deprived…….

*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.

trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs

I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book

[God & his assistant making giraffes]

ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?

*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*

I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?

What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?

[FBI raid]

Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”

My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!