every single time
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The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Only you can prevent podcasts
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.