every single time
You Might Also Like
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere