My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
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James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco