Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
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My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
neighborhood watch
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Burning witches at the stake is so 1692. Nowadays folks use a microwave coven.
2020: Everyone needs to count their steps every day!
2025: How walking is actually killing you.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over