Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
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It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
I think the cat got the dog high.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
never compromise your values
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Never forget.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend