Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
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[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower