every single time
You Might Also Like
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?