@Ygrene

every single time

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@CArmanthegirl

The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse

@AnissaClingman

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

@xLiserx

Putting all my laundry out on the clothesline so it smells like my neighbour’s BBQ.

@Kid_topher

In high school, people called me “Superman” due to my light eyes and physical build. Also because I wore my underwear on top of my pants.

@LeslieInMpls

The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

@2tickytacky

Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*

@MasterOfFury

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

@MarfSalvador

date: I like it when guys know what they want in life

me: *megaphone right in her face* ham

@Gre_Gone

[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]

*professional stuntman do not attempt*

@SonOfCha

I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.