The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
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My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.
Well played brother, well played
Putting all my laundry out on the clothesline so it smells like my neighbour’s BBQ.
In high school, people called me “Superman” due to my light eyes and physical build. Also because I wore my underwear on top of my pants.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.