Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
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me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Never ghost your hitman.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”