Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
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me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.