Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
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Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
my mind
You just read my mind
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.