Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
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My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
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“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back