every snail has a perfectly baked cinnamon bun inside its shell

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Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.


[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem


[crime scene]

photographer: I’m done unless you want another angle or something.

detective: let’s do a jumping one!


Just saw a shooting star. The crime in this galaxy is getting out of hand.


[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”


I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with a pocket knife and the contents of a woman’s purse.


When used as directed, Axe Body Spray makes a good substitute for tear gas.


Throw a pizza down a manhole. Wait five minutes. Throw a grenade down. You just killed the Ninja Turtles.


I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing