Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
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until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
the #horror is real!
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.