Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
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Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.