Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.

I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.

[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car

Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf

kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can

Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.

I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.

I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.

I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.

I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out

What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head

Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame

I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.

It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”

SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot

ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge

Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.

My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.

HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!

Tear gas is the saddest gas.

*playing hide & seek with my group*

5: I’m only going to count to ten

Me: why?

5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet

cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume

me: is there a law against it?

cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession

The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.

My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.

If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you

I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!

2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.