Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.

Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.

Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”

Me: “Feel?”

Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?

Honest job interview:

“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks

H: What’s for breakfast?

M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*

H: Great, when are you making potatoes?

M: They’re in my orange juice.

You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.

Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.

BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive

You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?

Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.

I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.

-me canceling my Dr appt

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.

We really need someone to step up while the boss is away

*stands up*

Someone without ice cream on their shirt

*looks down at shirt*

*sits down*

My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”

Love you Dad

I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”

Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?

If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.

Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.

Friend: Who did?

Me: Yep.

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high

CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk

ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af

CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!

I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato

you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”

Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all

When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.

Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.