Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
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I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
We decided to have money instead of children.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot