Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
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When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
tinder is all about the long game
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
A double negative is a big no-no.
[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.