Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
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Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.