Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
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Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
britain’s three elite institutions
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.