Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
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I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
It’s not a real relationship if it only exists when it’s convenient for you. I deserve better.
Cat: *knocks my drink off table*
Just me and my debit card against the world
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.