Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
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If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Breaking news:
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
“TGIM!” – My liver
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs