The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
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So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
A French press is when you hug naked
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.