Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
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[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
My bad habits got renewed for another season.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest