Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
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I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
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90Me: Nailed it.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Arrest that man!
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
