Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
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When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
diva inflation rises at an alarming rate
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: I was raised in a working-class family…
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
pressed play on ‘moana’ on disney plus and they hit me with a trailer for ‘moana 2.’ pissin me off. now i know moana doesn’t die in ‘moana’
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.