Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶

My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.

I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂

Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool

Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool

Repair guy:

Me: *winks*

“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot

Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep

9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again

I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.

Person: What’s your handicap?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.

We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.

If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.

i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again

My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.

My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year

During my annual gynecologist visit:

Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.

Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.

Gyno:

Nurse:

Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?

11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?

Me: Just brush your teeth.

[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years

Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.

When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”

Less bleeding is good for not being dead.

Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.

Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.

Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.

Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you

One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?

Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?

ME: and what are we going to do next time?

7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard

M: and for you?

7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911