Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?

ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.

I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.

I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.

Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…

Him: Don’t do this.

Me: I didn’t make the cut.

Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.

Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them

eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us

*E=mcHammer

*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched

If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.

Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.

Judge: How do you plead?

Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.

look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion

is getting good sleep gay now

is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours

Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.

I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.

kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool

Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!

I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.

She’s bardcore.

My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words

I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies

It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem

How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat

If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.

[pulling my wife out of the sewer]

her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down

Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.

I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod