Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work

ME: Ok

[later]

ME: You wanted to see me?

BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor

Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.

There was no expiration date, Carl.

it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”

Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.

[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011

[playing flight simulator]

this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano

It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.

Staying with my parents, pt. 3:

[4 yo is following my dad around]

Her: Whatcha doin?

Dad: Grabbing things for errands

Her: Whatcha doin now?

Him: Going to the garage

Her: Where you goin now?

Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE

I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.

I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.

You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.

Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!

Fatted Calf: This cannot be good

How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)

Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..

My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.

We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.

We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.

That sums up parenting pretty well.

I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.

Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.

Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this

[Job Interview]

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.

Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.

Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.

WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?

GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what

Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.

5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.

It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.

Just go around me, man.

Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?

Donkey: What?

Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith