Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.

I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Now we wait.

*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”

💀💀

Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.

to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂

to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂

I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.

The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..

Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.

[spelling bee]

Your word is “pneumonia”.

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.

Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL

[on a first date]

“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”

my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood

Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.

I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”

Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.

I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.

I have diarrhea.

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

That eye roll….

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.

I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with

AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?

boss: what are u doing

me: *pretends to read email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”

My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.

So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?

*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*

My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.

High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.

*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”