Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: Mom, will you play with me?

Me: Sure.

Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.

Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*

When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.

opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses

how much does a mortician urn in a year

What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.

Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.

Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.

Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!

But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…

I said be quick about it!

Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around

If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly

Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?

Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.

Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!

Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.

Hippocrates did very well for himself,

considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.

who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!

incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs

Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.

Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.

wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped

My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.

I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.

Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.

~inspirational

If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips

My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?

DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?

tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win

The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.

The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.