Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
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Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
It be like that sometimes 😆
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes