Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
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You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”