Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.

On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.

I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.

I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.

If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely

Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.

I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.

I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!

Me: Oh

Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

ME: We’re adopting a baby!

FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?

ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.

…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.

me: ted is coming over tonight

wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over

me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird

Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.

did… did they arrest the mountain lions

It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what’s your location

me: i’m in the cockpit

control tower: i mean where is the airplane

me: mainly behind me

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.

Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.

Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.

In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.

Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine

F*** you and the horse you rode in on!

Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.

One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there

“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.

[CAVE]

BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!

DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.