Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
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Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Sing it!
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
i wish i could marry a nap
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes