Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster

Did I break my fitbit record? yes

Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes

My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.

I gave her money for her ticket.

The boy paid.

I did not get my money back.

I learned an important lesson about dating today.

Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?

My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

What do you call it when one banana eats another?

Cannibananabalism.

When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box

I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”

I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.

the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth

me: a lot of people are saying that

People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again

hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins

“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.

“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.

Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!

After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.

Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.

If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.

I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”

So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?

Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭

Me: 😐☹️

Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭

Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.

I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.

me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god

Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.