Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
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My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
IT’S-A ME,
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
HR said no more nunchucks.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Ape together strong
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks