Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DON’T TELL ME MY DISHWASHING SPONGE IS “CONTAMINATED.” MY SWEET DEPARTED GRANDMA GAVE ME THAT SPONGE. YOU KEEP MY GRANDMA’S NAME OUTTA YOUR MOUTH

So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?

we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on

I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.

Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.

I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.

“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”

me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?

my brain: yup!

me: where did we put those?

my brain:

me:

my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this

my professor scared me for a second

[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely

ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog

i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.

GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok

When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.

I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol

Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that

The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.

Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?

If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.

As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.

You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.

google sheets just froze up (for everyone) on a call and i said guys i think we all just got laid off

people do NOT like that joke

“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”