Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.

We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.

I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.

Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.

Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?

Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?

FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?

Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?

9-year-old: My coolest shirt.

Me: What about the second day?

9: My coolest shirt again.

I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.

I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.

People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.

Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating

Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow

Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!

Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*

Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.

Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?

Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?

-Asking for a friend.

I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.

Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.

The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.

anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship

“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”

Bruh PLEASE

If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress

If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.

My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.

Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…

John Mayer first drafts.

Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.

inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..

My toddler stole bacon off my plate.

We all had a good laugh.

Then I made her move out.