Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
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4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola