Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
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If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
When I said I liked it rough.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
It’s his time
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.