every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
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@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”