every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
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If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
I need this for my side hustle.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”